dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
