Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
