I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
