i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
