If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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