Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Farmville is her only friend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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