I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize