So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
