Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
