i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
