I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
