can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
