Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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