I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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