This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
