When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
