yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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