I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
