He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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