put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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