He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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