Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
