Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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