i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
