Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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