smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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