I just pynch a tree in the face
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
