So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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