I should be sponsored by Trojan
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
