Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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