I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
