WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
