You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
