no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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