he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
