When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
