Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
