I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize