you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Please don't give away my fajitas
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
