My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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