my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
