I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
