You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
