You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
