how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
