we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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