she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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