She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
