shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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