Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
