end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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