Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
