Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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