We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
jump out the window naked night went bad
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
