Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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